Friday, December 29, 2006

ATLAST, I've won....

....or so I thot. I tend to keep my phone switched off so that I can be "unreachable" when I want to. Anyway, I made the mistake of keeping my phone switched on around Christmas time as I was at home and playing snakes (Hi Score: 28,76,095) .

I get this call from a mobile. I usually do not pick up when somebody calls from a land line to avoid explaining to them why I do not need a loan. So I pick up the call and this happens

Me: Yullo

Her: Saar, your number has been picked for the Diwali bonanza saar! (some kid crying in the background)

Me: Uh huh (I WON!! but I never entered any form I WON!! Diwali bonanza in December? may be they are running late OH SHUT UP I WON!!!)

Her: You can come and pick up your gift

Me: When?

Her: Saar, are you married?

Me: (man this was fast....I must sound REALLY sexy (only) on the phone)

Her: Well do you stay with your parents?

Me: (slightly annoyed) No but I can get there on my own

Her: No No...Saar, actually we give the gifts only to couples

Me: HUH?

Her: Do you know ANY couples? Sisters, Brothers...

Me: (WHAT THE...) No.....

Her: Ok SAAR, please hold...

Me: OK then I'm not interested....( On hold...listening to some shitty Kenny G tune that plays in all the elevators and Indian Airlines flights )

Her: (after keeping me on hold for 2 min)

Me: Listen, I'm not interested!! CLICK! (I would've slammed the receiver but these mobiles have been designed for a telemarketer free world you see)

I collapse in my bed after this intense workout, thinking I think I need a loan to buy something I neither need nor want. THEY HAVE SUCCEEDED!!

Thursday, December 28, 2006


Haven't been regular on the blog lately.

That is bcoz I have added 3 new blogs for Music, Movies and Books.

If you are looking for any reviews or recoz you can look at one of these...the links are available under the Reviews and Recoz tab on the side bar...lemme know what you think.

There are very few posts on them right now but will try to keep e updated as regularly as possible.

This blog will be basically used for my "thots". :)

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Interpreting Hitler

As understood from Der interpretation.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Cubicle ke us paar - Ek dard bhari prem katha


Apna Hero - K.V.R.M chatopadhyay (Dad was from UP so southindian mom wanted some credit in the name her Dad's, village's, her best friend's and her name make up K.V.R.M) Pyar se known as chat

Apni Laila(well kind of) - Simran ghosh (All the good things about chandigarh and bengal ;)) Sim

Direction - jahan google le jaye

Script - ha ha good one!


Chat has been workin in this company for 3 months and 13 days. After 3.5 job switches (0.5 for the intra company change). Our experienced Hero is shocked and ashamed of the sex ratio of his team. "Chi yaar, EK ladki nai apni team main" he quibbles to his sutta partners. Will take care of it in the next recruitment cycle.

If it was up to chat, the company would hav recruited women from IIFT for creating Dot NET applications, but his HR is a lady so she doesn't understand what such a recruit will do to the team productivity.

Finaly, he got his chance to go recruit hunting to one of Jamshedpur's engineering colleges. (Calcutta main strike thi so the other college was closed ;)) Another HR blunder - the interview panel needed 2 people and he was stuck with a senior tech consultant WHO WAS A LADY (GHOR ANYAAY BHAGWAAN!) She was somehow hung upon teh candidate's technical capabilities. Arre main sikha dunga na thought chat. Finaly a compromise was reached - Simran Ghosh.

After the initial team lunch, paid for by all the other team members (yup guys) to show their eternal gratitute to Chat. Chat who used to amble into office at 11:00 am usually, but since Sim was an early morning person (who liked Bangalore ki coffee) Chat sacrificed hi sleep to get in early. At about 15 minutes past 9:30 a.m. he would stand next to her cubicle, diagonally opposite to his. Somehow she was always talking on the phone when he got there. "Must be talkin to her mom" he thought. He was always proud of the fact that she never said no to him, she didn't wana miss the oppertunity of free coffee service. Also, there was nobody else in at such an early hour.

Well after about 3months and 22 days of coffe service ( the shouts of KAAAAAAAAPPPII - 2 missing) he got the dreaded mail, with scanned attachments. He couldn't read it, he didn't have to. The last statement said it all "Please consider this our personal invitation". "Why ME god??" thought Chat. She was the one for me!! He obviously didn't attend the wedding, he had to meet the deadline for the next release, 10 months after her wedding day.

She returned after her one month break. Due to some inexplicable reason chat had started coming in late to the office. And then his mail "Thanks for all your support in building my carrer (for 7 months), I am pursuing my career interest elsewhere". The elsewhere was in a company with a better hit rate with the LADIES and good looking HRs but his reason for a swith was better career prospects OBVIOUSLY.

Well, Chat soon got married to Mandira Singh, A bengali girl settled in Delhi..JACKPOT.
Sim, lived happily ever after, She is a senior Tech consultant who often goes to conduct interviews. And the software industry braced for the next Sim-Chat pair!!


Thursday, December 14, 2006

The great indian tamasha - 2

Continued from here:

So you think you have survived? Hope to get up as late as possible the next day?? Hope you can watch the Arsenal Vs Chelsea football match. Well you are pretty optimistic. You have been assigned a task by the overwhelmed family of the bride. Take your pick.

1) The 6 A.M. recieving party at the railway station: Well "recieving party" works two ways. The obvious one is you get to be the sheaperd to all the relatives of the groom who will be gracing you with their presence. Also, you are the designated telephone (a mobile one too) operator. How you ask? well the driver of the official bus is not a mobile user (Mr Ambani is going to provide him with a free reliance set soon). So you need to convey the status of search party 2 to him periodically so that he can stay at his current location till.... well till the bus is full (I couldn't figure out the relation either).....The probability of the only train being late that day is directly proportional to your impatince.

2) The recieving party at the hotel: You gotta be at the hotel where the "BAKRA" and relatives will be put up. You need to well, show them to their rooms and help them get comfortable for whell about 12 Hours of their stay in Delhi, of which 8 will be spent in the Loo, 3 eating and the solitary hour sleeping. Incidently, the 1 hour of sleep will coincide with the actual marriage taking place.

3) Chaperone: Well the Bride to be has to look the best she can be, so you are the designated driver to go where no man has gone before.....well atleast you haven't....her beauty parlour.

Get ready dude, you will miss all the fun...and the fun is to wait for every other lady you will be escorting to the crime scene a.k.a "The Pandal". This can be described as a temporary bomb shelter with ample arangements of stuffing your self accompanied by lots of people in uncomfortable dressed clothes who can recognize you but for the saving grace of your facial hair.(Thank god for small miracles)

The Annoyance quotient of the occasion grows exponentially with the volume of the "D.J's" Remix of all Himesh reshamiah songs. Now pick a spot diagonally opposite to the make shift dance floor or else you will have to acompany one of the "Ladies" who couldn't sing yesterday and cant speak today not being able to walk tommorow. The only problem being the group of Shenai maestros who blow their talent directly into your brain.

Once the insatiable appetite of the guests is somewhat curbed and the have had their 15 seconds of fame. A still photo with the pair whose day this is and a small part in the video reel too. They mysteriously disappear. Note that the marriage hasn't yet started, The event for which they had supposedly come there. The pair is fed for they will need all their energy for the Secomd innings.

The Pandit (priest) is revising his performace. This somehow makes you uncomfortable..WHY??
well either he doesn't know his you will have to be there for a LOONG time, or he does know what to do and well then you will have to be there for a LOONG time.

Time 1 A.M.
Temp 5 Deg C

The Grooms shoes have been promptly hidden by the bride's sister.(behind him both the sister and teh shoes.) The pandit is being widely ignored by everybody except for the one gentelman who has doubts about what the ritual is. This guy is inturn being ignored by teh pandit. The one irritating uncle/cousin you have who is always ignored, has got his chance to show you his new ceell phone and plays all the ringtones in his cell at full volume asking you after each is done "NICE NA??"

Time 3 A.M.
Temp 4 Deg C

The "Ladies" are negotiating the cash they can get for "stealing" the shoes. You are just staring into oblivion waiting for somebody to pay the pandit so that he stops explaining the nuances of Karma and Dharma with the background tone of PAPPU MOBILE uncle.

Time 5 A.M.
Temp 4.125 Deg C

After catching the rice crispies thrown by the bride (for some inexplicable reason) as she exits
the crime scene you can see your somwhere on the horizon. As you start rejoicing. Someone calls your name. You are supposed to drop the bride to her new home.... well atleast you will get some sleep in about half an hour.....but the Mobile less driver is MIA and you need to find him.....

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Great Indian Tamasha - 1

If you are into bollywood movies then you obviously know about Hum Aapke Hain Kawn. My sis dragged me to watch that one. All my whining and protest were drowned out in the 14 or so songs looking for "The One" for Ms Dixit (NO NOT KEANU REEVES).

It is only fair that I cringe at the thought of attending any other event, reel or real life that makes me relive that traumatic experience (I'm scarred for life, nd it is my sis's fault). This weekend all my fears came back with a vengance!! That too in 3-d. This two part post will try to get you to sympathise with me and convince you not to invite me to the "happiest" (ha ha) day of your life.

Background: I'm a Bangalorean with the unfortunate coincidence of supposedly being a
Delhite. My cousin got married this weekend. I was pulled out of the self imposed premature retirement from my international career of attending social gatherings. CHALO DELHI!

The journey: Delhi was waiting for it's revenge, for the fact that I have been enjoying the great wheather of B'lore and hate cold. Any way after the mandatory delay the flight got us (me and dad) to New Delhi. Outside temp 12 Deg C. Got to the my aunt's place and colapsed on the bed....This was 2 a.m. Got up....did some things that were LONG overdue, got back home. Asked what plans for the evening. The dreaded reply...LADIES SANGEET. NOOOOOOOOO

Well if you are not familiar with this, lucky you. It involves the following.
Everybody is on the floor gathered around the floor ready to flex their vocal chords. One of your aunts on the floor with the "Dholak" The beat is the same as any Himesh Reshamiya song well remixed or not. Another aunt, sitting with her with a spoon (yup, a spoon), ready to pound the wood of the dholak to smithereens. Rest of the ladies (and hence the name) sit aroun clapping for the lack of any better thing to do, or the lack of instruments or both....not sure not to keen to find out either. The bride to be sitting on a chair somewhere in this mele, almost handicapped as her hands and leds are painted with some wierd orange pattern (coz of the Henna or mehndi).

So the guys, with ourImmaculate taste in music start to slowly slide towards the door can't stand up or you might be asked to move the mattress, get water or dance(HELL NO). As you escape the reign of terror, you reach the place where all the Men are sitting. Please note, there is a difference between Men and Guys...Men have given up any hope of escaping. Yes they are married. They get more exercise on this night because of some inexplicable reason, all kids start running around as soon as their Moms start "singing". The fathers wondering if when does the warranty for these things expire so that they can take em apart.

After about a couple of hours of pounding the dholak and trying to sync with the tape recorder (the guy on the tape doesn't know the lyrics you see) the end is near. The men have served their purpose by then finished as much food as possible, and fed the kids. Now feeding the women, well no comments. Everybody congratulates the host for the lovely food, arrangements, wheather, lights, air, life etc.

The journey back is great. Figure out the logistics of getting the people to fit in the vehicles that are available. And you wonder how the hell did they fit when they got here?? Well the thing is after 2 Hrs of singing all the ladies have an alterego that can(debateable) the number of people has doubled. However, how do you pry two women away who are discussing topics of national importance. Which saree should she wear, and what is the bride, her sister and their 4th cousin are gonna wear!!!

Then, the reviews start...the dholak was not tuned, the food was bad, the light wasn't enough, the water was too watery, the night was too dark. Now that most of the guys are deaf. The men have lost their power to hear anyhow, they are just the designated drivers.

Get home at 12ish. Go to sleep. live to fight another day....well the war has just started.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Memory leaks of the soul

IS THIS IT?? you ask your self....

The promised land...."Beta these are the crucial years, study well now and your life is made"

2 years later..."Just think how great your life would be if you get into IIT"

3 years later..."I've gotta know everything in George summers' and shakuntala devi's APTITUDE will get me a job "

2 Years later...."Masters will help me get a better job"

Some time later..."Lets get a MBA, it'll get me a funky title and better cash"

And every night you sit in the dark, trying to figure out WTF? I'm missing something.

C'mon kiddo "you just need to share it with somebody to get it (errr PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS IT??) find a decent girl and get married"

I know, misery loves company...

Then you stop "communicating"... At the dinner table completely wired to your phones, PDAs and laptops.....eating shit you don't wanna, but you can afford... you look at her and the conversation is done.... her day was good so was a fucking book, with the TV blarring some shitty remix....fuck around, coz you can...

"I'll tell you what you need, A REAL FAMILY"


You pick up the fruits of HER labour, it is fun to be awake at 5 a.m. looking for the kid's silent mode option.

He's a pretty intelligent kid, just needs some motivation "Beta these are the crucial years, study well now and your life is made"

You still stay awake, realising IT was always within you. No longer though. All you needed to do was plug the leak when you found something was missing....all you need now is to figure out which adhesive to use...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ash + Abhishek = Ashishek

Well the least you guys at rediff can do is spell their names correctly!!