Close encounters of the Nth kind

This one needs a bit of details about me. I HATE talking to people. Especially if I don't know you. Now living in one of the many apartment complexes in Bangalore, you invariably end up nodding your head at someone you don't know. I'm ok with that. But once they start asking me about where I work and what deo I use it is a problem

Another thing, most of my waking hours my i-pod is plugged into my ears.

Now 2 days ago, after parking my bike I was heading towards my house. At the gate of my building(well not technically mine, but you get the point) I spot this guy waiting for the Elevator. SHIT!! Why you ask? Well, confined in a small space with a stranger in your face, the question invariably arises....WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? TELL ME YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS...

So, I walk as slow as humanly possible hoping for my sake that the guy is lucky enough to get the elevator ASAP. Well god has a sadistic sense of humor. I reach the elevator, the guy still there. The doors slide open. I try to ignore him, continue to stare at the notice board. hoping he'll go without a fight but NO. Excuse me he says...I look up at him, he is holding the elevator for me...well 10 floors in the elevator won't take too much time, most probably he'll get off before me (Probability (1 - 3/14)). BAD CALL

I punch 10, he punches 12...I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS ONE GOD!! Well so far so good, he hasn't spoken, now only if the elevator starts moving. Gravity acting on our feet, the rise to my cocoon begins.

I-POD? he asks....Hmmm may be he is a fellow I-PODOPHILE. I nod. (The morning, I don't know you and don't care nod).

And then the dreaded question (which NO body has ever had the sense to ask me, I wonder why..) How come you are so FAIR?

Errr...lets see...my options
1) Am a follower of M.J.
2) Fair and Handsome - Fairness cream for Men
3) May be coz I bleach myself instead of taking a bath..
4) Used to be green, but all the chlorophyll had to be removed as I got sunburnt

Any way I chickend out....."Well I'm not from Bangalore"(I din't wanna tell him I was born and raised here, just not a kanadiga....a banglorean tho'...fine print)

This thankfully happened between floors 8-9. So the escape was near...

Anyway, I said c ya. Could hear him say something about "That explains it"
saved myself from telling him all about how my ancestors, being Apes(at one point of time), came to stay in Bangalore.

I unlock the door thinking this will be fun to put on the blog.....

Who am I?

He gave himself the title of

His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor ____, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and ____ in Particular.

A movie based on his life was recently released. The Movie stars Forest Whitaker.

Mira Nair's Mississippi Masala has references to him.

He died in Saudi Arabia in 2003.

P.S. : The ____ are to make this Q atleast a bit challenging. ;)

Forwarding Therapy

Easy way of posting something, I know, but this one is worth it...Nice...

"
This is a short story written by Dr Kishore Shah....

he is a gynecologist in Pune and a very gifted writer....enjoy this
extremely funny story

********************************************************** Woh Kaan thi!

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while as I am a Gynaecologist.

(In fact, we had nearly called our hospital The 'Holey' Family
hospital but are now waiting for our son to be a Proctologist and
marry an urologist.) This can lead to some complications, as I
recently learned to my anguish. A General Practitioner phoned me up
and told me that she as sending a patient of hers for an abortion.
Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal
of the wax to my wife.


I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she
was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our
hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax
removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that
I had with the patient.


"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a
big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a
feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."


"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"


"Not at all."


The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried
removing it at home, but failed."


I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications."


"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just
wouldn't budge."


I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"


She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it
with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."


"Oh my God!"


"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."


My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without
uttering a word.


"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"


I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too
much. I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent
this happening. Or you could use protection at night."


Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"


I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are
in the mood, you should use protection."


She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"


Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of
mood. It just happens."


"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."


"You mean that pin man?"


"Yeah!"


This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides
using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew
was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."


"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and
wait. However, that also did not work."


This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.


"But have you taken your husband's permission?"


Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's
permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We
were not able to meet for the last one year."


It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of
'those' cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual
suspect. I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all
needed."


"However, I did inform him on phone."


Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know
whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily
turned to other aspects. " Its good that you came a bit early."


"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."


"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a
heartbeat."


The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will
bleed a bit, but only for a few days."


By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"


"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will
continue only for a week or so."


By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring
at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on
the examination table? Remove your underclothes and relax."


This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just
a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

Kishore Shah 1974
"

Fairy tale of hairy tailed Melon, the collie

Being really good with his paws Melon the collie tied one end of the hammok to the balcony railing.
The other end was tied aroung his neck as a noose.

He then jumped, to what he hoped would be his death, but the stupid people who lived in the flat below his master's wanted to "save" him. The whiplash broke his spine, but he was "rescued" before his life could be squeezed out.

His master KNEW Melon wanted to "live on" and so refused to put him to sleep. Melon continued his sorry existence in a dilapidated state. This was even worse than the boredom he jumped to escape from in the first place.

This is when Melon the collie muttered his ironicaly immortal words
"FUCK THE WORLD, WATCH TV AND EAT CHIPS"

Fairy tale

The barrel of the gun in my mouth
BANG
Lived happily ever after....
well I was dead....
Hell 3 out of 4 ain't bad!